*in my humble opinion

Like many people, especially of my age, I have to say that my favorite Christmas movie is A Christmas Story which is about Ralphie and his quest for a “carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time” that will shoot his eye out. This movie, with its sweet dysfunction, really holds up over the course of time. Whether it was his cruse filled father or his gut wrenching desire for that perfect gift, I could relate to Ralphie a lot.

But over the Holidays I began to think what other Holiday movies do I still love? I, of course, still love Charlie Brown and his pathetic tree, and Rudolph with his nose so bright, but those aren’t movies; they are specials. Most  “Christmas” movies are for kids and aren’t that great. Some are just awful (see Dudley Moore’s “Santa Claus the Movie”). Most of the Holiday movies I do still love are just “kind of holiday movies” as they really could take place at anytime of year. But Christmas makes a nice backdrop, and the movie studios love to release films at Christmas time when all the kids are off.
 
So here are my Top 4 favorite (kind of) Christmas Movies:

4) Home Alone 2; Lost in New York
Ok. I know what you are saying, “Why not Home Alone 1?” Well, Home Alone 1 is still a sweet family movie and a holiday favorite of everyone. Home Alone 2 I now enjoy on a different level. Home Alone 2 shows us what a truly demented sociopath Kevin Macalister really is. This time he’s not defending his home and himself from dangerous criminals; this time, he’s conning his way into the Plaza Hotel, purposely baiting the criminals to follow him so that they can fall into numerous traps that are skull-smashing and brutally violent. All in good fun, but had this been reality and not a Tom and Jerry inspired fun family romp, he’d basically be facing serious jail time and most likely manslaughter charges as numerous concussive blows to a head will actually kill a man. When watching this movie, I always feel like it’s American Psycho Jr…. and that’s why it’s number 4 on my list.

3) The Ref
This was back when Dennis Leary was a Movie Star (of sorts)…after his MTV cigarette smoking bad boy days and well before his FX firefighting bad boys days. He’s a thief on the run on Christmas Eve and he has to hole up in a suburban house and take a couple who hate each other and their son hostage. It has all the Dennis Leary cursing and smoking and general angriness that we have grown to love. He smokes, he yells, he gets pissed off and it’s pretty funny that Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis do a great job as the couple who are facing the end of their marriage. Neither is happy and both of them resents the other immensely. This sort of uncomfortable family holiday is all too relatable for a lot of people as many people I know dread the Holidays for this very thing. They fight so much they forget they have a gun pointed at them. Oddly enough, (well no not really since this is a movie centered around Christmas) Leary brings them together as a family through these series of unfortunate events. The movie is by no means Citizen Kane but it’s definitely funny and worth 90 minutes of your time.

2) Trading Places
Ok. This movie is honestly one of my favorite movies of all time. Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Akryold) is a well off snobby Wall Street investor and Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) is a con artist. They cross paths one day, which inspires Winthrope’s bosses the Duke Brothers to place a little bet called “Nature vs. Nurture”. They use their considerable means to take everything Winthrope has away from him, and to set Valentine up with Winthrope’s job, house, and even Butler. It’s probably one of the best Eddie Murphy movies ever made and most Definately the best Dan Akroyld movie ever made. It’s a satirical look at race in America that could most likely never get remade properly and would probably star Nick Cannon and Jason Biggs and Cannon would have to play Winthrope. All this AND Jamie lee Curtis’s boobs. What’s not to love? Honestly, this movie isn’t so much a Christmas movie as it is a movie that happens to take place around Christmas time. I think the whole movie takes place between Thanksgiving and January 2nd but it still has a drunken Dan Akroyld eating salmon with a nasty dirty Santa beard on. So for that alone, I say it qualifies.

1) Die Hard
You all know the story, John McClaine hard nosed NY Cop flies to LA to spend Christmas with his family. He stops at his estranged wife’s office Christmas party and that’s where things get pretty fucked. Terrorist take over the building and take everyone hostage, except for John who slips away. John, being the only good guy in the building, kills the terrorists as best he can one by one with the help of the Dad from Family Matters who’s on the radio outside. Long story short - John McClaine-27, Terrorists-2. This was the movie that made me associate Christmas time and killing terrorists Like a 24 Christmas special. Why “Yippi- ki- a Muther Fucker” never replaced “Happy Holidays” I’ll never know.  This movie was the first Action movie with an “everyman” and basically turned Bruce Willis from “The Moonlighting guy” into “Mr. Bad Ass Ballstastic USA”. It’s probably my favorite (kind of) Christmas movie of all time.